Two Years.
My daughter is two years old today. I can't tell you how much I love it. I know people always say that it flies by, and sometimes- I know what they mean. In so many ways, I can remember life before being a mom. The luxury of doing whatever I wanted and using my time as I pleased is not lost on me. But, I also feel like two years ago is nearly a lifetime ago.
The relationship that we have with Viola is so sweet, and it's the result of so many hours spent together. Memories made (though she won't remember!), milestones met, and a million boring moments just spent together in between. I'm so thankful that I get to be her mother and get a front row seat to her childhood. These birthdays will keep ticking away, so for the time I've got her near me- I'm trying hard to savour it.
There's a ton I could tell you about her personality- she's sweet, shy to strangers, working hard to become funny, and content to be anywhere as long as she is with mom & dad (in fact, she has crawled onto my lap as I type this sentence). We love her so much.
While she may be two, she still insists on being held as she falls asleep. She can't shake not having someone by her as she goes to bed. If she can't go to sleep, all you need to do is pull her close, wrap your arms around her and put your cheek next to hers. Just like her sister did as they lay cheek to cheek with each other for all those months. And in turn, she'll pat your cheek back, rub your arm and fall deep asleep.
I love it and I hate it all at the same time. It's a daily reminder that she did have a sister... but it is one that I'm glad to have. My heart swells when I watch her do something funny or cute. In those moments, Tyler & I look at each other and nod. We are both thinking the same thing: Can you imagine if they were both here?
If you want to know the truth, sometimes I'm not sure we can still really imagine it. Having two girls was something that slipped out of our hands before we ever got to feel it. Sometimes the memory of having twins feels like a dream that I was woken from... one that felt so real, but the details have gone fuzzy.
For a time, it was our reality, but now we live in one that is so different. We have one daughter that is two years old. We have one that died at two days old. God's pulled us to something new, and we're doing our best to live in it with joy.
So here's to the sweetest little girls I've ever known. Both our girls. Our daughters. We celebrate your lives, and love you more than we can say.
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Also, thank you. I feel like I'm constantly ending posts like this with the same line, but I mean it. Thanks for being a part of this weird journey with us. It's much less awkward when you're going down it with kind people. I hope everyone who finds themselves in grief can have people like you around them to make it bearable.